In My Place

2006-03-19

Therapy for me...

I made an appointment to see a therapist. It's not until April 3rd, so I have a lot of time to freak out about going! I know that this isn't a big deal and that it's going to help me but that doesn't matter I will still think about it non stop until I go.
The initial reason I am going is because I think I have ADD and I want someone who actually knows what they are doing to figure it out. My Grandmother says it's all in my head. Isn't that lovely..I've asked her for help in finding someone to talk to about this and other problems and she has told me for years...it's all in your head dear.
I love my Grandmother dearly so I am not even going to get into the many many arguments we have had about her thoughts on therapy.
The big problem..I have no health insurance..like most people in this country. So I can't really afford to see a therapist. Hell, I can't afford to get hurt in any way...but therapy seemed to be a luxury that I could do without. That is until I reached a point last week when I just didn't want to feel the way I do anymore. So my Grandmother relented and told me she would help me out with the bill.
For a while now..more than a few years.. I have begun to forget a lot of things. If someone tells me something.. less than five minutes later, more than likely, I will have forgotten it. Now it doesn't happen all the time. I'm not completely stupid over here. But I do feel let's just say a little on the dumb side. This bothers me. I have always had a great memory. I'm the type of person that you take me some place once and I can always remember how to get there. I don't think it has to do with getting older either.. I'm not even thirty and I don't think you should be this forgetful until at least 80. I actually took the ADD test on webmd and was really honest in answering the questions and I scored a 32. Now the thing said 25+ means a severe case of ADD... I don't think I have a severe case..but I guess we will see.
I haven't been able to sit down for more than a few minutes to study. Now with that said I did get straight A's last semester..but I think it's more because of the classes I took. One was a beginer computer class and well it was pretty much a cake walk. The other two classes I took were for my teaching minor and were only one hour classes..hell one of them I didn't even have to take one test or even a quiz. I dropped the hard class that I was taking. I do it everytime.. I get frustrated and feel overwhelmed so I drop the class. Yeah..really going to get through my degree when I keep doing that. SO last semester isn't a good example of how hard it's been for me.
I have a ton of unfinished projects in this house. I have about 4 scrapbooks that I've started and just never finished. I have sewing stuff pinned and ready to go..just haven't done that either. Hell I started painting the basement 2 weekends ago and have not gone back done to finish the last bit of it. Now I tell myself almost every other day that I will go back down and do it..and I just go on with my day and don't remember until I go in the basement..then I tell myself that I will come back to it later.
I have this huge fear that every one is just going to think I'm lazy, but it's not like that in the least. I don't lay around all day do nothing..but it seems like I can't get done what needs to be done.
However, the big thing I want to get under control..my anger. I get so frustrated and mad at the littlest thing anymore. I get along better with others if we just don't speak. No.. I'm not that bad. I'm a nice person.. I'm not yelling and screaming at everyone. I'm just angry and I can't figure out where it's coming from. I haven't always felt this way..just within the last year it seems. I don't know if it's from my childhood or if it's something from my life now that's doing this..but I want to get it under control.
I have already told Alex that I don't really want to take medication but if I have to I don't want Rit@lin or Adder@ll. I would think about taking the Adder@ll XR (extended release).. but would never take the regular kind just because I have seen how addicted my friend Marty has become on the pills. My son takes the XR kind though and he does just fine. I would like to at least try Str@terra though.. It's a non-stimulant..so I think maybe I won't be as scared to take it. Is that weird?? Being scared of becoming addicted to pills. I don't even like to take @dvil so this should be interesting if they prescribe me something.
I think maybe I have had this since I was younger but that it's become more of a problem now. I don't want to only rely on a pill though. I think a lot of people think that pills can solve everything and well..I don't.
Anyway..enough about all this..at least for now..
~Rachel |