In My Place

2005-12-26

It's all over now...

Well..Christmas is over and it was great. I got lots of great stuff and everyone loved what they got! However, I am sad now.
I have to put my only child on a plane tomorrow morning. I hate this and I have been really sad all day about it. I have never been apart from my child like this and wouldn't wish it on anyone else. I hate that I agreed to it in court. I never should have. I didn't think that it would affect me like this. I don't want to deny his Father time with him, but why should I have to deal with this pain. I have raised him since he was born. His father sure didn't help with anything. I have to do it though or else I will be trouble for breaking the agreement. I have cried til I just don't have any tears left. I feel like packing all our stuff and taking off. Can't do that though. Where would I go. I hate this I know I will cry tomorrow but I am going to try and be strong. I started crying when I got his suitcase out this morning. Z came up to me and hugged me and told me it would be ok. He said Sophie (our dog) would be here and I started to cry harder. How sweet is that. He just wanted me to feel better. My little boy is the most thoughtful person! Always concerned with how I will feel. I just hope that he will be ok on the plane. He has never been on one before. He is going all by himself and that scares me so much. Yeah, I know that there will be someone who stays with him from the time he gets on the plane til he gets to his father..but that doesn't make me feel any better. He is my child, I want to be with him to protect him. I don't see anything wrong with that.
Alex isn't really saying anything. He hasn't really talked to me today. I guess he knows how upset I am and he just doesn't know what to say. He did say that he was going to go to the airport with me. Which is probably a great thing because I know I will break down.
I am just going to try and keep myself busy this week. Thank goodness my grandmother bought me a sewing machine. I am just going to go crazy and sew things all week. Anything to keep myself busy and not think about Z being halfway across the country.
I have to go and finish packing his stuff and crying the whole time I do it. I hope that everyone had a great Christmas and that the new year will be a wonderful time for all! I will be busy planning my wedding this year and I am so excited about it that I just don't know what to do with myself. The only bad thing is I asked my brother to be in my wedding and he told me no. No explanation just no. I got so upset but what do I say..I guess I will have to talk to him and ask him why he is being like that. He has no reason to tell me now. I want to end on a happy note.. so I will say..I have a wonderful feeling that this next year is going to be a great year...
~Rachel |