In My Place

2005-04-18

AH Fuck it..

I was at my Grandmother's house this morning after dropping Z off at school. She lives on the same block as the school..so I stop by often! Anyway, for some reason I felt the need to go downstairs in the basement.. I go down there and just start looking through things and found some of my old cd's from high school. It's amazing.. that nostalgic feeling you get when you look through things and all these memories pop up. I smiled today..For the first time in 2 days..I smiled.
I haven't written in a few days.. there was a reason for that. I thought about putting this into a private entry but what do I have to hide? Nothing. I haven't talked to Alex in 3 days. He still lives here..but I have maybe said a sentence to him in 3 days. It doesn't seem to be a big deal either. We are on totally different sleeping schedules.. so we aren't sharing the bed. When I fix any food, I don't ask him what he wants, I just fix what I want and if he eats..he eats..if not, oh well. I haven't washed his clothes..I haven't really even looked at him. I can see him out of the corner of my eye when I watch tv from my favorite chair.. I see him sometimes look at me..but I don't look at him. It feels like this may be the end for us. I am not going to apologize and until he apologizes to me and I see a change in his behavior then I just don't see any type of future for us.
I'm fed up. I just can't deal with any kind of adolescent behavior at this point in life. I will be 28 on May 12th. I don't need to have immature people in my life any longer. That is of course unless that immature person is my son..he will be allowed to act immature for at least the next few years. Then, of course, I will have to beat that out of him. Kidding folks.. I don't beat my son. Give him the evil Mommy eye..yes.. Cause any physical harm..NO.
The are a few problems with the relationship Alex and I have at the moment:
1. I don't like his friends. Not a one of them. Only one of them has an actual job and the rest rely on their check to come every month. I have a problem with that. These aren't the type of people I want in my life..that is why I basically pulled myself back from these people. I don't answer the phone when they call. I don't go to their houses with Alex. I just don't feel the need to laugh at fart jokes, and sit around smoking weed any longer. I had enough of that in high school and that was 10 years ago.
2. Alex doesn't seem to want to do anything with his life. I am in college doing what I can to take care of my son and to make sure that I will be able to give him things in life that I didn't have. I try to talk to him about going back to college..he feels he has been out of college for too long. STUPID EXCUSE..there are 60 year olds going back to college..you are never to old.
3. Alex has a temper that he needs to get under control. I can't have a spirited conversation with him for fear that he will blow up because he didn't like what I said. It's usually when I criticize something about him that he freaks out. Now he has never hit me, or been emotionally abusive. He just has no patience with anything.
3. He doesn't want to have children. This is a major concern because I know that I want more kids. I want to have his child. He gets this look on his face when I talk about having more kids. This look of..what the hell..I don't fucking want kids. Of course, it could be a look of I need to take a shit. I just see the look and say fuck it and I shut up.
4. I want to get married within the next 2 years..that doesn't seem to be something on Alex's agenda. He seems to think that we are fine the way that we are. Well, we aren't. I'm not happy and if I'm not happy I sure as hell know that he isn't happy.
5. When I try to talk to him about all of this..it NEVER goes anywhere. He may be nice for a few days..but eventually we wind right back up where we were and I feel shitty and depressed all over again. I'm tired of trying to fight to keep any of this together. I have nothing left to say.
So..I wait. I wait to see if he stays or if he leaves. I refuse to beg him to stay and I'm not going to fight to get him out of here. It's time for him to fight for me. I have too much on my plate now just with taking care of Z, taking care of the house, getting ready to go to court with Scott over Z, going to school and taking care of my Grandmother. I don't have time to worry about whether or not Alex wants to continue whatever this is we have going on. I look back and see how much he has changed. Does he feel trapped? I certainly hope not. There isn't anything "trapping" him here. Why does he feel the need for this "freedom" he thinks he deserves every week. I don't keep him locked in my basement chained to the wall. I pay his damn car insurance, I pay to feed and clothe him, I buy him whatever he needs or wants.. what do I get in return. I get to cook and clean, I have to ask for sex because God forbid he actually just want it without me asking for it. FUCK THAT. I'm NOT fucking begging him for sex. I don't need to. I can go without it hasn't been the first time. God the more I write about this..the more pathetic it seems. LOVELY..just Lovely. Makes me feel just grand! He used to touch me so much that it was annoying.. now I wish he would..can't we just get a balance in between annoying and nonexistent here?
I need a cig, time to go to the store. Have a nice Monday evening.
~Rachel |