In My Place
2005-02-18
feeling better
I've been really sick the last few days and busy trying to keep up with my school work in the moments of clarity I had in between taking my meds. I didn't have a voice, my body has ached and thank God I am finally feeling better!Scott is coming in tomorrow. No I'm not looking forward to it..there is usually some sort of disagreement when he's in town..thankfully he will only be here a few days.
I have come to believe that my Dad was right and Scott is a big bullshiter who doesn't really want to take me to court to get custody of Z. If he truly wanted it he would have done something about it. Another thing is the amount of money that he knows he would owe and if he didn't pay he would face jail time. Not that they actually put the father's in jail who don't pay though..at least no around here they don't. Sad, really. He recently cut Z's money from $180 (which is nothing) to just $80.00 a month...I was upset when I found out about it and even more when I found out why..but I have already talked about this in a previous entry..so check back if you need all the details! So while I worry about it all the time, I am starting to feel that it's a waste of my energy and tears to do so.
I hate that I cry about it. Hell, I hate that I cry in general about stuff but I really hate that I cry over stuff with Scott. I think I truly never got over him and even though he treated me like shit..he was the first person I believed that I loved. He is the father of my child ( I should really just say sperm d0nor though). I'm upset that he fakes this all perfect life with his wife. I'm upset that I know the real Scott and she doesn't. I am upset that my son acts like Scott is the best thing on this earth even though he doesn't do anything but buy gifts for Z when he's in town. That's what my son knows of his father..he's the guy who buys him presents. He doesn't remember Scott ever hitting me or all the times he yelled at me and called me names. He doesn't remember and I'm happy about it in one sense and disappointed about it because he thinks of Scott so highly. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't be upset about it..but what person could truly be happy about that? I just hope that one day Z will finally realize how his father truly is and not love him just because he buys him a gift.
Oh I so didn't want to have a sad entry today..I've actually had a pretty good day..got a lot of work done and have been overall happy today!
Alex is making me noodles right now..that's something to be happy about! I have his card from V-day taped to my computer armoire. It was so cute! I actually laughed when I read it! So I will share it in hopes that it will make someone else smile as well. It said, "Thank you for being able to put up with me for all this time and I hope that we will stay together for many years to come. I love you more than you know, even more than life itself.Love, Alex" Now who wouldn't laugh about the whole putting up with me part..that was just too good! It's times like that that makes me forget about anything he has ever done that I was upset about. And on that note..I say goodnight! Have a wonderful Friday!!
~Rachel |
