In My Place

2004-04-20

A letter from my estranged mother

Disclaimer: This is going to be a hell of a long entry..but I have a lot to say..so bear with me! Thanks!

My Grandmother recently received a letter from my mother (who I stopped talking to in October'03). At first she wouldn't let me read it because she said my mother had sad some mean things about me. Well, that just peeked my curiosity, so then I had to read it. So I did. I think I should have listened to my Grandmother, she was right, I shouldn't have read it. I immediatly started crying because of the things she said really hurt me. I didn't understand how a mother could be so cruel we used to be so close, but she has totally ruined ever having that back again. I wasn't sure what to do with the letter but I decided the best thing to do would be to keep it and read it again sometime. So it's been a month and I wasn't going to do this..but I am going to share it. I won't bore people with the opening paragraph where she explains to my Grandmother that she will start sending her money every month because she in on my cell phone contract and I couldn't take her off of it. That's just the boring stuff anyway.. but here goes..I will try to address things as we go along and explain my side as well..

.."I am glad Z is getting my gifts but it may just be confusing him more since Rachel has asked me not to contact her or Z. I guess she thinks she is hurting me. She won't do that to you since you do so much for her. She is hurting herself and Z more than she is me. When we do not forgive others, the Lord does not forgive us. She is not thinking about the fact that she has done much wrong and got pregnant out of wedlock and some parents would disown their daughter for such an event. She does not like it when I tell her the truth so best not to say anything to her an dlet her go her own way and get hurt by Alex or someone else. I guess that is the way we learn. She has no idea how much she is affecting Z but there is not much we can do about that."

First off I have discussed before the reason my mother was cut off from my son and I.(she threatened to take Z away from me because I let him take meds for his AD/HD if anyone doesn't remember). Anyway I think it's obvious why I cut off contact with her..she threatened me and I don't take to kindly to that. Secondly, she's right I would never do that to my Grandmother because even though we disagree at times she is the person who raised me and was always there for me. The thing that grabbed me the most in this paragraph was her talking about disowning me because I got pregnant before I was married (yeah like I'm the only one that has ever happened to.) This comes from the woman who has been married 4 times and slept with a man for 8 years before he dumped her..so it's ok for her to sleep with him without being married..can we say hypocrit?

..I really have my doubts that Alex is a Christian as Rachel says- if he is, it is a very thin-skinned relationship. Many of us have that for years- just not discipled and under the right teaching. I have my doubts that Rachel is-just by words and actions. But it is not mine to judge-she doesn't answer to me. Some people think they are a Christian because their Grandmother is or they sat in church a few times. We can sit in a Garage and that doesn't make us a car. So I will continue to pray for her and Robert. Robert did what Champe told him to do (forced) and was baptized-but it was not his idea. You can't force that on anyone."

Alrighty..here we go..the preaching begins. She says she isn't the one to judge whether anyone else is a Christian or not..but isn't that just what she did by saying that she doubted we were? I am a Christian and it's not her business about my faith period. Also, I never told her Alex was a Christian..I've told her many times his family is Jewish..not that it's any of her business. The Robert she speaks of is my Brother who is awesome and who also doesn't speak to her. That is a whole other story and really not my right to share. Champe is my Dad..yeah I know it's a weird name..LOL! Well, I didn't name him! on with the letter..

.."I have offered for her to come here and get work and go to Liberty. But she'll have to work and pay for it. Well I know she won't leave because of you and taking you places. But I don't know how much help she is when you do more for her than she for you. It is OK to help people but when they go on for years and don't help themselves and just take advantage, there comes a time when you have to stop."

Now this is where I laughed..she thinks she knows so much. She has no clue that I am in college right now working on getting my Psych degree. She knows all doesn't she? She's right though, I would never leave my Grandma because I am the only one who is there for her. I visit her almost everyday and we talk at least 2 or 3 times a day! I don't know what my mother expects me to do for my Grandmother besides that..what more help can I be. I can't afford to buy her gifts like I would like her too. I do buy her things when I can though. Further proving my mom is Crazy. back to the letter..

.."I don't agree with the medication. Yes it may be calming him down but so would other methods. So I will continue to pray that somehow the medication stops. What has happened over the years is that teachers cannot discipline children the way they used to and so they like the fact that some can be diagnosed and take medication-makes their job easier-they are just lazy. I have done some substitute teaching here and it is a nightmare. Doctors and drug companies like it too. They all make money. What happened in trusting in the Lord to take care of this? It has taken some time but I believe what the Word says." *she then begins to preach different things..which I left out to make this entry a little shorter*..

For the record I didn't just let my son start taking medication after his pediatrician suggested it. I made him see 2 psychologists after that. I think I did what I thought was best for him being able to function in school. It isn't his fault..he just wasn't able to sit still and learn. He was falling behind in all of his work. I definitely don't think teachers are lazy. They have a very hard job, one which I wouldn't want! Oh and the thing about my mom substituting..probably not even true..when she starts preaching though..that's really when I tune her out. From birth I was in church, I attended a Christian High School and a semester at a Christian college. I hate to say it..but I got to the point where I saw a lot of so-called Christians as hypocrits. So I distanced myself from the church..I don't feel that makes me less of a Christian..she however thinks I'm a heathen for it. back to the letter where my Mother tries to go in for the kill and you start to get the real reasoning for sending this letter...

.."I can't tell you what to do obviously. But if I were you, I'd tell Rachel she has 3 or 6 months and she is on her own. That will force her to get a life. She will no longer be able to keep Alex. She can come over here and I can watch Z. But she will not be able to stay with me and do nothing and waste away as she has for many years. Don't think it harsh- this is really what she needs. Please don't tell her it my idea to do this or she'll have another reason to hate me. We have had this discussion before."

I read this and even my Grandmother laughed her ass off at it. This is where I figured it out. My mother is just being a mean Fucking Bitch. I don't even consider her my Mom really. She didn't even raise me..my Grandmother did..yet my mom thinks she has the right to give me advice on how to live..hmmm. Why would my Grandmother throw me out on my house? How could she. I don't live with her? and how does throwing a person out force them to get a life. If anything that would make a person's life go straight to shit. And "keep" Alex? I'm not keeping him now..and of course she wouldn't want me to know this was all her idea..but my Grandmother doesn't lie or try to hide things from me.. so that went right out the window..

.."This is a time when you should be having some fun and worrying about Rachel is not fun. She will not hate you for long. She may do as she is me for a while."

My Grandmother and I are alike in the fact that we worry about everything. We are worriers and my mom saying it isn't fun doesn't change anything. We know it isn't fun and discussed ways to not worry as much many times. I would never Hate my Grandmother or anyone else..I don't hate anyone..I dislike people though. And if my mom thinks that I am going to forgive her ever then she is crazier than I thought..because I feel she is the one who needs to apologize and even if she does that still doesn't mean I have to forgive her. Hope she isn't holding her breath waiting for an apology..

.."but to be honest I know this won't last forever. She does not have to forgive me, but she'd be better off if she did. One night when I was on the telephone answering calls for one of the ministries, this woman in Texas on the other end (not knowing anything about me) stopped me and said she has a word from the Lord. She told me I had a grandson and that the situation will be taken care of. This was several months ago-she said the Lord said it would not be right away-but it would be OK. this woman only knew my first name and not how old I was or that I even had children let alone a grandchild. Satan does give words to people (thru psychics) but he would not give a word like this. SO, I believe the word that came through this woman. Even without that, I have confidence that the Lord is working on my behalf because I have asked him to."

She is still thinking my silence can't last forever..maybe not..but it can last many years I am sure of it. The sentence about me being better off forgiving her kind of sounded like some sort of threat to me. I'm not sure why but it did..Then we get to the part when I realize she's lost it. I have a hard time understanding how some lady can tell her something and she believes it..but if it came from a psychic it's wrong..isn't that basically what this woman was? The end of the letter is coming soon I promise..

.."She is not talking to me and so she will not ask me for help. She can call me when she is ready."

Again..why would I be the one calling her? Yeah...not happening..and no I wouldn't ask for her help because she was never there for me when I was younger and I doubt much has changed.

.."She will not be able to find a real man to marry if Alex is around."

Well that makes sense...becasue I'm not looking for another man..I am happy and love the one I am with now! Yeah, she hates Alex..too damn bad though. It's not her decision. I don't like her new husband (#4) and I don't even think she really loves him..that is why I feel sorry for him really. But I have never once told her any of that because it's not my business..that's her life and I don't tell other's what to do in thier life and I expect that in return.

.."but something will be worked out if she is willing to talk.."

What will we be working out..the plans on sending you to the crazy house..sorry that made me feel better!

And her closing sentence is..

.."Right now I can't do anything for her. She doesn't care about me or anyone else that doesn't go along with her plan."

That was a little harsh. She's right..I don't care too much for her right now..but I care about a lot of people. I think of myself as being a kind and thoughtful person. I try to help others the best I can..but because I don't want her help, advice or to hear her threats..I'm the bad person. This is why it's so hard for me to trust people. Because my own family would be so hurtful towards me.

I'm sorry that this entry was so long. I really needed to get that out and be able to talk about it a little. I feel much better now that I have. Thanks for listening..

~Rachel