In My Place

2004-04-17

ahh the pain

I feel like I am going to fall apart. My back hurts so bad I feel like nothing will help it. I have already taken some advil..hopefully that will kick in soon. It's my own fault it hurts. I cleaned for like 6 hours today. I can't help it..sometimes I get this urge to just clean. Not that that is a horrible things though. I washed every wall in this apartment..We have lived here 3 years and they haven't painted it since we moved in and I hate the walls I just think they look dirty all the time. Well I found out why today when I washed the walls..DAMN they were filthy..I was disgusted! I then cleaned the entire living room, bathroom, my bedroom, the kitchen including scrubbing down the fridge, washed a few loads of clothes, cleaned out my walk-in closet and swept and mopped the entrance to the apartment building because none of the other people here are going to do it! I get so disgusted when I try to keep the entryway clean while the rest of the neighbors just dirty it up a day later.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about things in the past.. memories of special days, trips, days when I have felt I didn't want to live etc. Then I started reading older entries in my journal because well..my memory doesn't always work well for me. I like to reflect on things I have gone through. I think it's good for a person to do this once in a while. I can't do it often though or I will become depressed.

A few days ago my Grandmother lovingly reminded me that I am almost 30..I am turning 27 in May..that's not almost 30 dammit..no offence to anyone who happens to be that age..but I just don't feel I am anywhere near that age yet. I don't even look my age(26)..I haven't accomplished the things that I wanted to by that age..I'm just not ready. To bad I can't do anything about it. I wanted to be done with school..well that will probably happen before I'm 30.. I wanted to be married.. who in the hell even knows if and when that will ever happen. I don't know I guess I am already starting to get that birthday depression.

It's so sad..every year I get depressed on my birthday. It's happened for as long as I can remember. I usually start feeling down a few weeks before it. It sucks, I try not too..but it just happens. No matter how great my birthday is..I always feel shitty. I doubt there will be anything special about this birthday either. I don't drink anymore..so no partying. I guess Alex and I will go out to dinner or something..who knows. I have asked for a puppy but that probably won't happen either. I don't know why if I ask for something for my birthday I never get it. So I'm not going to sit around all happy thinking I'm actually going to get a puppy. Anywho..

My best friend Alicia's baby shower is tomorrow! Yippee Skippee..

Hope everyone had a lovely day..Have a lovely Saturday as well!

~Rachel