In My Place
2004-01-20
Getting the garbage out of my head
You know I used to think that living where I do..Charleston, West Virginia.. was a relatively safe place to live. I am starting to seriously rethink that. I first started questioning this last year when the charleston sniper killed 3 people in what was similar to the dc sniper..and they have yet to capture this ragin' redneck. That's scary in itself..I still look around a lot if I go out at night..which is a rarity in itself. But, in recent months it seems like every night there is something on the news about someone shooting someone or stabing or something like that. It's sickening to me. I used to think that I lived in a town full of nice people.. I'm starting to think that the crazy people are just running the streets looking to shoot people..most of this is in what is considered the "bad" parts of town and I don't live near any of these hoods..but still..People are just crazy..I don't understand what kind of person could take another's life. I could never think of injuring or killing another person. I never used to check the locks on my house or car.. now I double check every opening to get in my house and I always double check my car too.. I at least can say that if anyone ever broke in this house..they would definitly be in a world of hurt because of the guns alex has in the safe..in our bedroom...Alex is also trying to talk me into getting a stun gun..One of my good friends started carrying one while she was living in Lexington, Kentucky and now that she has moved back here that thing is still in her purse..she always tells me..she isn't afraid of using it either..she asked her parents to get her a gun for christmas but then when her brother found out..he went off..that is how she wound up with the stun gun..
I don't know though..I guess it couldn't hurt to get one and carry it will me at all times..but it scares me that I even have to think about carrying one. I do always keep my keys between my fingers when I am walking outside anywhere..even if alex is with me..I will definitly poke someones eyes out..problem is..I'm not too fast of a runner so getting away would still be a problem..That is one of the reasons I want to be in better shape..I want to be able to defend myself better..although at this point I know I could kick the balls right off of some fucker who tried to mess with me..as long as they don't have a gun..I'm gonna fight back..I can handle a knife..bullets are a little harder to dodge..but enough about this.. I would rather speak about butterflies and flowers..not really but anythings better than being scared to go out at night..
I haven't talked to D since Friday or was it Saturday..I can't remember..but there is good reason for that..he has to take all these tests for this new job his has in finance and he has to study all week for the test on Thursday.. I can't remember how many tests he has taken so far..but I guess all the money he will be making at this job is worth all the bullshit he has to go through.
I about lost it earlier today..I was cleaning my apartment and this rage just came over me because I am sick and tired of cleaning up after two people..I know I am going to have to clean up after myself and Z..that's not really the problem..although Z does make it look like a tornado hit the house..but Alex..I just don't think I should have to do it anymore..and I let that be really clear today..so much so.. that he had he clothes on and was about to start packing his shit and leave..In my head I was thinking..Fuck you..I'm tired of taking care of you.. I am tired of supporting you..see how long you survive without me.. but I couldn't come out and say these things because it would have only made things worse. I'm scared to death that if I ask him to leave he will go do something stupid like kill himself.. he has threatened that before.. that is why I made him go see a therapist.. but the therapist his insurance approved was horrible and Alex didn't feel at all comfortable talking to him..so it just didn't work and he quit going.. I can't afford to pay for a therapist for him..so I told him that he should go to the welfare office and see what kind of help they can give him..anything is better that nothing..he wants to get some help so that he can get on his feet again and not rely on me so much. It does make me wonder though..he always says how much he hates getting money from me..yet he takes my card to the atm without even asking me to get money out..that shit pisses me off so much..I mean shit..it's not like I don't already shell out enough money for him.. I pay for the rent, the bills, the food, his clothing and the most expensive thing of all..his fucking methadone..which if he didn't have would kill him..I hate that shit and am so happy that he has been trying to get off of that shit..but he was so high in dose that it feels like it's going to take forever..they only allow you to go down a few milagrams a week.. right now he is going down 5 a week and he had to make them do that..his highest dose was I think around 150 mgs. and I think now he is at..well hell I will look on his bottles..alrighty..I took a peek..he's on 87..that's really a lot that he has come down..I didn't realize it until now. You know I could make an entire post on how methadone is the worst shit in the world for a person and that it shouldn't be allowed to be given out unless it's through the government and regulated so that people can just keep failing piss tests and keep taking that shit..It's mostly run by for-profit agencies..do you think they want people off of this stuff..HELL NO..they want that 12.50 a day..4,563.00 a year.. it was in the paper a few weeks ago that the local clinic raked in 4 million dollars last year..oh yeah they really care about the people on this stuff.. do you know it only costs pennies to make methadone..so why in the hell is it 12.50 and day..that's fucking ridiculous..ok I seriously got off on a tangent there..back to what I was talking about..hell I have done forgot..
oh yeah..our fight today...well things simmered down after a few minutes.. after he told me that I am driving him crazy because he doesn't feel like he has any freedom..of give me a fucking break..I hate when guys say that.. makes me want to string em up and hurt em..I didn't take his freedom from him.. he comes and goes as he pleases..since he has no fucking J-O-B! But I no longer felt like fighting so I just let it all go and told him I needed to get out of the house..since I hadn't been out of it for 3 freaking days..so we went out to eat and then did a little shopping..I just bought Z some more new clothes..since he is growing so much I have to buy new pants every month.. the boy is so tall it's scary..he's only in kindergarten and already almost as tall as my Grandmother.. granted my grandmother is only 4'11 ( picture estelle from the "Golden Girls" and that's her almost exactly!) but damn he's tall for his age..
Anywho...I think I have talked a little about everything tonight..ooh I feel so much better getting all this shit out..
And could someone tell me how all these people get these cool siggy's at the bottom of each entry..I'm not too computer savvy..I am good at some stuff.. but html..is definitly not my thing..although I think if I sat down and took a class..I could kick ass at it..hmm..maybe I should think about doing that..
Have a wonderful Tuesday all...
~Rachel
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