In My Place

2004-01-14

Hello my name is Rachel and I'm a worrier..

I've been feeling kind of blah lately. I'm not happy with things and I just hope that when I start school on the second..that is if I do..since they still have yet to recieve my other transcripts..things will begin to get better. I know that finishing school will definitly make me feel better about myself..although it's not going to help with how I feel about my relationship with Alex.

I love him but I'm just not sure how much anymore. I am beginning to just question everything. I hate that. I tend to over analize everything and worry entirely too much about things. If Alex doesn't do something right. I instantly "jump" down his throat. I can't help it...I have been trying not to be so critical of all that he does. It just seems like he doesn't understand me and doesn't care to.

I feel like I am doing everything in this house and that he doesn't even care. I don't feel I need to ask him to take out the trash..he should see that it needs to be taken out..but of course he doesn't and it drives me crazy. I asked him to stay home the other night with me and he got so angry and tried to tell me that I was controlling. Ok.. I don't have a problem with him going out with his friends as I have said before I do like my space..but being out every night..it's just a little much for me..and tonight I just got so angry and upset. He went out which is not why I got upset..he left around 9:30 telling me that he will be back around midnight and was taking my cellphone so that I could get a hold of him if it was past midnight and he wasn't home..so I'm like ok..

Well at a little bit past 10:30 one of his friends calls the house and asks for him..I say..well hell he told me he was going to your house..he hasn't been there at all..the guy says no..so I am instantly worried (I worry about him when he's out) then I call the cellphone..no answer..so I give it a few minutes and try again..still no answer..so now my heart is beating really fast and I instantly think that something is wrong..So I try to calm down but I can't..so I start pacing the floor which is what I do to try and calm myself..it isn't helping..I try the phone again..no answer..well that's it..I get Z dressed and take off in the car thinking there is really only one other place that I can think of that he would go..Chris' house..so I go there..he's not there..this just makes everything worse..I just say Fuck it though..I am sick of worrying about him so I head home put the Z man in bed and try to watch tv..I try the cellphone a few more times..he never answers..then at about 12:30 am he walks through the door..first thing out of my mouth.."where the FUCK have you been?" he says he was at Chris' house..I'm like really because I went there and I didn't see your car..well I went to the store to buy some beer..In my head I'm thinking right...sure you did..I just have this weird feeling that he is lying to me..He may not have been..but I just don't trust men..it all goes back to my father and also Scott's cheating on me... I was so trusting of Alex..more than I have ever been with any man..and it took me a long time to get to that point..and no it's all gone. I don't trust him at all.. Of course I could be blowing this all out of proportion..but I don't want to get hurt..so I am going to just back away from Alex..it shouldn't be so hard since I can't really remember the last time we had sex..it's ridiculous..we used to be all over eachother all the time..now it's just a little fooling around here and there..

And with all of this..all I can think of is talking to D..I miss him soo much.. I haven't talked to him in more than a week and he hasn't called since before Christmas..yeah he was out of town for a bit..but dammit I miss him. I miss his voice and his comforting me. I miss him telling me all these stories about himself from when he was younger.. I miss having someone to talk to that actually cares about what I have to say..

Well I think that's enough writing for now..I'm so hungry..I could eat the wall..I haven't eaten all day..so stupid..I don't know why I do that sometimes...

You know there really has to be some kind of 12 step program for worriers..maybe I should look into that..

Have a wonderful Wednesday all!!

~Rachel