In My Place

2003-12-23

D's off at his parents and I'm feeling a little sad..

well it's been a little while since I updated..but it's the holidays and I have been busy..ok so that's not the whole truth..another reason is that I have been trying to stay away from this radiation box..I'm sick of this computer and getting sick and tired of the internet in general..it's just begining to bug me..It's basically just something for me to do so that I don't have to talk to Alex anymore..I know that is said..but hell it's the truth.

D flew to Albuquerque today to be with his family for the holidays..so I probably won't be able to talk to him until he gets back next week. He did call me twice this past weekend..he said he wanted to be able to talk to me before he left! :) Such a little sweetie..He said he would try and call me while he was gone..but didn't know if he'd be able to..which I understand..It's sad but I already miss him..that's weird..he doesn't live near me to begin with..but now I know that he is even farther away from me than usual..

D and I had a depressing conversation on Saturday..we talked alot about how unhappy I have been lately..he knows it's mostly because of Alex..and he doesn't understand why I stay with him.. hell I don't even know why?? I know part of it is I don't want to be alone..but he said I could get over that..and he is right I could..but I don't know..I am scared that if we break up that I am making a huge mistake..that's why I wanted to just start off by him moving back home and letting me have a little space..of course he makes me feel guilty about that..and tells me that I just want to get rid of him..well that does make me feel bad..yeah it would suck to be alone..but it can't be much worse than what I feel now..D basically told me stuff I already knew..maybe it was that I needed someone else to tell me these things..it seems to sink in much better when someone else tells you these things.

The thing is..I have all these things I want in life and in the person that I share my life with..problem is Alex doesn't fit to well into my plans..I am going back to college in January to finish up my degree and if he thinks that after I get my degree that I am going to be taking care of him while he does whatever he wants..he's wrong! I already have one child..I don't need to raise him too.

I have tried so many times to try and get him to do something with his life..but it doesn't seem to be working..Ever since his wreck..he has felt like complete shit and thinks that he will never be able to work..or at least that's how I think he feels..you know the other day he had the nerve to suggest that we go skiing..my mouth hit the floor..this is the same person who says he is too hurt to work..yet he is capable of going snowboarding/skiing.. I don't think so..I am not sure how many chances he is entitled to anymore.. 30..40..I mean if you aren't going to at least try and do something while you are with me..maybe you should go find someone else to be with..I have had so many conversations with him about getting his life in order..he will always say he is going to do that..and then nothing happens and I go on feeling miserable..

The thing that scares me the most right now is that he won't let me go near the christmas tree now..he put my present under there and said if I see it I will know what it is...What if it's an engagement ring..I know it's something expensive..he told me that much..What will I do..I can't say yes...and surely he sees how unhappy I am right now and wouldn't think of asking me that...I guess I have 3 more days to worry about it..fun...

well I need my rest..The Z man will probably be up at the butt crack of dawn...wanting to play or asking for pancakes for breakfast..lol..he asks for pancakes every morning..He doesn't quite understand that my kitchen isn't a restaurant where he gets what he wants all the time..Maybe since he has an ear infection he will sleep in a little bit...

Have a wonderful Christmas Eve eve..

~Rachel