In My Place

2003-12-02

Missing D and not putting with Alex's shit

I fucking hate when I come to the computer and see that I have missed the chance to talk to someone that I have wanted to talk to. I have DSL so I never sign off and I often miss instant messages which just pisses me off..but it especially pissed me off tonight..because I missed talking to D..and not just once..but fucking twice..I would have heard my computer notify me if I had the speakers turned on..but my dumb ass didn't know they weren't turned on..DAMMIT..I haven't really got to speak to him in almost 2 weeks...I NEED to talk to him DAMMIT..I am sitting here trying to telepathically tell him to get his ass back on the computer..because I only missed him by like 3 minutes..which makes me even more mad...FUCK. What a way to make my day end on an even shitier note that it was on..Since Alex decided to not come home tonight until 2 am...and as if that didn't piss me off enough..he thought I was just gonna be all happy about him finally being home..NOPE..I'm not gonna let him kissing my ass to allow him to get away with something like that..HELL NO.

Alex is making me really want to just revert to going out clubbing again and doing my own thing and let him do his own thing..I'm just sick of his bullshit. I want a grown up relationship and I think he is acting like he is in high school..I'm not into "playing" house. I want a stable, loving, equal relationship. I'm not going to be his Mother. I'm not going to continue to take care of him as if I am. I can't continue this much longer. He is going to drive me nuts. It does no good to try and change someone..I tried that for 3 years with Scott and it didn't fucking work. I know Alex has changed a lot for me but it's just not enough..he is getting right back into his old habits..and I'm just not going to put up with it.

Well I guess my telepathy isn't as good as I thought it was..because he hasn't signed back on...DAMMIT..ok well have a good Tuesday..and be thinking about my little Z..I have to take him to see a heart specialist tomorrow..his pediatrician noticed he has a heart murmur so they want to check it out! I Pray that everything is alright!

~Rachel