In My Place

2003-11-21

I hate feeling guilty

The Z man didn't have school today because of all the rain and flooding..He spent the day with Alex's Mom.

I did a little christmas shopping..but I have to take a few things back because I don't think Alex will like them..they are dvd's and I am afraid that the store will only give me store credit..which is really going to piss me off..I don't think that they should be able to if they do and I will definitly let them know..but the dvd's haven't been opened and I have the receipt so there shouldn't be a problem.

I at least am done shopping for Alex's parents..and almost done with Z except for his stocking stuffers..but I always buy that stuff at the last minute.. I still have to get Alex, My Grandmother, Father, Stepmother, Alicia and Scott and my friend Sarah something..I want to get D something..but I am still not sure where we stand right now..I haven't talked to him since I got the email last night..and I have been kind of upset about that..but not too much I can do until he contacts me. I have his phone number and could call him..but I don't think that it's the right thing to do. Plus..it's too late to call him tonight anyway. I will just have to hope that he will sign on at some point and start talking to me again..

None of this changes things with Alex and I..I'm still not happy..if not feeling even worse. Alex and I don't get along like we used to..I want to do things in life that I can't because I am too busy taking care of Alex..I'm tired of it..I'm tired of taking care of him..and that's a horrible thing. I feel like an awful person for even saying that..let alone feeling that way. He did tell me the other night that he would leave if it meant that I would be happier and have a better life..so I at least can be thankful that he is thinking of me..but him saying that only made me feel guilty. I hate feeling guilty and I don't think that I should be made to feel that way at all. After all that I have done for him why should I be made to feel bad about wanting a better life for Z and myself. I don't think that's selfish..I think that is looking out for what is best for my child. I know Alex loves Z and I know that Z loves Alex so I could never take him out of Alex's life for good..but I need to make a decision and make it soon..

~Rachel