In My Place

2003-11-17

ONE NIGHT...Just one night alone..please..

Well..I finally got to talk to D a little bit last night..and I found out why he never called me Saturday Night. The tire on his car blew out and he had to have a friend come get him..and he had to stay at the friends house..It was funny because the first thing he said to me when he signed on last night was I'm sorry..at least he knows he was wrong..but it wasn't something he could really help..So he promised me that tonight he would be calling me no matter what! So all day I can look forward to that..especially after what happened after I got off the computer last night..

I get ready for bed and Alex says..I'm leaving tomorrow..in my head I'm thinking yes..finally I can be alone and do what I want..then I walk towards the bathroom and he says, "I want to spend my last night with you." I'm thinking what in the hell is he talking about last night like he will never see me again..so I ask him..where exactly are you going when you leave tomorrow? He was like I don't know..it doesn't matter..I start questioning him further and I ask him if he is planning on doing something stupid like killing himself..and he said it was the only thing he knew to do..So now I have to deal with this until 5am as if I don't have enough on me already..Now I don't know if he was being serious..but like I talked about in a previous entry..I have had to take a gun out of his hand before so he wouldn't kill himself.. Now I feel even more stuck in this relationship..if I break up with him and make him leave..he will do something stupid and it will be all my fault..I can't live with something like that on my head..

I asked him to give me one night on my own in my own apartment to think about everything..and I don't know if that is even going to happen..it better though.. or else I am about to pick up and move out of this state and away from it all..because I just can't take it anymore...

I'm not sure if I should call his Mom and tell her about what he said or what.. he needs help..and I can't help him anymore...he doesn't understand why I want to take a break and he knows that if we do take a break we probably won't get back together..and he's right.. we probably wouldn't..because right now I just want to be on my own..

Well..I have to go and take a cat nap before I go to the gym at 11..I only got 2 hours sleep and I am playing volleyball today..YAY...at least I can take my mind off of all of this while I'm at the gym..

Hope everyone has a great Monday...

~Rachel