In My Place

2003-11-15

Confusion, Frustration and Stress..

Well..it's been a long..long..day. and I have been crying for most of it. I hate that. It is like I can no longer control my emotions. I swear..I cry at the littlest thing, but today I was crying out of confusion, frustration and stress.

Confusion because I am not sure at this point what is going on in my relationship with Alex. I'm confused about how I feel. I have pretty much come to the point of not loving him as much as I once did. This is weird for me. I never thought that my love for him would die out..never. I thought that we would get married and always be together..I'm confused about how to feel for D..I don't love him..but I seriously like him..and I think it scares me. He hits so many points on my checklist of things I like in a guy.. yet he is so far away from me. He talks about moving here to be closer to me..but I don't know how serious he is about that and right now..I am just not ready for that. I kind of want to be on my own for a little while..get my life in order and finish up my degree..

My Frustration comes from not knowing exactly what to do right now. I feel horrible for not feeling the same way about Alex anymore. I'm frustrated that he doesn't seem to understand that I want to be on my own and go back to school and I can't do that if I have to constantly worry about taking care of his needs. He is grown..he needs to take care of himself. I mainly want him to move out..so that it forces him to realize that he needs to get his life in order and figure out what he is going to do in this life. He can't think that I will just automatically take care of him. I want to be taken care of as well. No I'm not asking for someone to completely take care of me and I do nothing. I want equality. I want someone to take me places and not expect me to pay all the time..I want someone to bring me little gifts or flowers once in a while. I want someone who will help me around the house and no taking out the garbage isn't enough. I cook, clean, wash the laundry and pay the bills...Taking the garbage out isn't a major thing for you to do..I can do it too (and sometimes have to after I have repeatedly asked him to and he doesn't do it). I want someone with goals in their life..who wants an education..and the major point..who wants kids in the future..so many times Alex has told me he doesn't want to ever have any children..well that is a major problem with me..I know I will want children..not right now..but I know I will. Then when I mentioned that that was a major problem for me today..he trys to tell me that he may have kids later..maybe? Well what the hell am I supposed to do..Hope that you will? I can't be with someone and have that constantly be in my head..I know he just said that because I mentioned it as being a problem.

The Stress well hell..is from this whole drama in my life..I have my grandmother telling me that I shouldn't be with him because he will never be able to take care of Z and I. I have Alex telling me that he just physically can't work right now..which I just don't believe anymore. I have seen people in worse shape than him out working..it has been almost 3 years since his wreck and I am sick of making excuses to my family as to why his ass isn't working or helping me out more. He lays the guilt trip of not having anywhere to go if he leaves her...talking about having to live in his car or the homeless shelter..Yeah that makes me feel really good..GO HOME.. your parents love you..they wouldn't let you live out on the streets..What I really want to do is hide his fucking guns..he has threatened more than once in our relationship to shoot himself..I have even had to actually pull the gun out of his hand before..I can't handle feeling the guilt of being at fault if he did something like that. In fact..I will be right back..I'm hiding those fuckers right now...well..dammit I would have if I just didn't wake his ass up..I will just have to wait til he falls asleep again..I hate guns..I hate that there are guns in my house..they scare me..and I have asked more than once that they be removed from my house..yet he didn't care enough to do it..he says it's because it's the one thing he likes...and I want to take that away from him..No not at all..while it's sad that you enjoy going to the shooting range and that you like those guns so much..that isn't the reason..the reason being that I HATE guns..I DON'T want one in my house..it's just that simple..

Now don't get me wrong..I do love Alex..and I know he loves me and treats me pretty well, I'm just not sure that the love I have for him is the type of love that can sustain a relationship and I know it couldn't sustain a marriage..and that is what I want..I want to get married, have more children..enjoy raising my children..and more than anything..I just want a to have some sort of LIFE... and right now I just don't feel that I have a life..it's not even that I want to break up with Alex right now..I just want a break from him..I want to live in my own apartment and do my own thing without having to worry about what you are going to do all the time..I do not like having to feel like I need permission to do something with friends etc..he doesn't say that I need his permission..but he makes me feel like I need it..and I don't like that at all. Just a break..that's all I want..just a break..that doesn't mean I am running straight to D's arms and getting into another relationship..it means I want a break..plain and simple.

I can't explain any of this to Alex..he just doesn't seem to get it. He just cries and says that I am all that he has.. You cannot be that dependant on someone..I just can't handle that. For now though..I have dwelled on this all I want to for today..I'm going to end it here and go finish up the laundry while I wait for D to call me..

~Rachel