In My Place

2003-11-10

Confusion Never Stops

Well I was supposed to talk to D last night, but it never happened. I was a little upset because I had waited all day to talk to him. He was just to tired and was too busy trying to get all his materials ready for court today (he's going through a divorce). I have been thinking about him today. I hope that all is going well in court and that the judge has enough sense to see that just because his soon to be ex has high priced lawyers..that she doesn't deserve to get all the things she is asking for plus alimony.

Alex and I had a two hour conversation last night. He senses something is wrong in our relationship..Wow, just now picking up on that? I feel bad. I hate to kick him out of my house, but I don't know what else I can do. Right now, he has no other place to go and live so I can't just make him go live in the homeless shelter. I'm just not that cruel of a person. I asked him if he wanted to break up and he was like, "I guess so." I thought I would cry when he said this..but I didn't. I can't explain it..I even tried to cry to seem less of a heartless bitch. I think I wanted this relationship that just might not be possible with Alex. I'm confused and unsure what to do.

I have this big fear that if I break it off with Alex..nothing will happen with D. He lives in St. Louis for goodness sake..it's not like anything will be coming of this any time soon.

He did talk about moving back to Pittsburg to go to Law School next year. That would mean that he would only be about 3 hours away from me and that we could see eachother every weekend or whenever possible. I just think I want to meet him and see if there is the same chemistry that we feel when we talk online and on the phone. I don't want to give up on mine and Alex's relationship and wind up being alone. Yeah there is another fear of mine..being alone..trying to raise my child on my own. That's another reason it is a hard decision for me. Z loves Alex and Alex has really helped me take care of Z and I think it would hurt him not to be around him anymore..

Confusion never stops...

~Rachel