In My Place

2003-11-09

talking to D

Ok..so I talked to D last night online for a few minutes and then I called him on the phone..We talked from 2am to 4:30 am..it was great. Alex was asleep so it was nice to be able to talk about things..

We always talk about such a huge variety of things that it would be to hard to even try and type it all out..because I would either be leaving something out..or boring the hell out of whoever reads this diary.

He did tell me how much he wants me to come to St. Louis. I just can't right now for several reasons:

1. I have a child in kindergarten who I couldn't just leave back here because there is really no one to watch him and I certainly wouldn't want to take him to St. Louis.

2. D and I have only been talking about this serious kind of stuff for a few weeks..yes we have been chatting online since april (damn just realized it's been 8 months) and I don't want to rush into anything like this..

3. Where am I supposed to get the money for a plane ticket..although he said as soon as he has the money he will buy me one..then I would feel bad..he doesn't need to pay my way..damn it's so weird that someone wants to do things like that for me..

4. The biggest reason of all is that I am still living with Alex..I can't just wake up one morning and say.."Hey..I'm going to St. Louis so that I can see D..I can't guarentee that we won't have sex..because well hell we probably will..but I will see ya in a week.." Yeah I can see that going over well..

I am actually getting ready to go to my grandmothers house so that I can call D and not have to watch what I say..I hate that I can't speak at a normal level. It's not that I can't speak to D..because Alex doesn't care..I have asked him several times if he minds that I talk to D..he says no..

Oh something funny just happened..Alex just said that he wanted to go fishing.. so I really don't need to go to my grandmother's..but I think I will just because I don't know how long he is going to stay..but maybe I could just go get the pictures that I need to get from her house and then just come back here and call him..I would much rather stay here instead of having my grandmother try to listen to my conversation...well I'm going to her house right quick to get the pics..then gonna call D..

~Rachel