In My Place

2003-11-07

Oh My..he likes me..what now?

Why is it that when you are single it's harder to get a guy's attention. But when you are dating someone a guy starts having interest in you.

I am a little confused with all this at this point. I have no idea what to do. I'm not exactly totally happy in my relationship with Alex. But, I do love him and I wouldn't want to hurt him for anything.

Here's the story. I have been talking to this guy online..who I mentioned in my last entry. We started out talking because he saw a message I had posted on a message board and he wanted to talk about it. That was in April and we usually talked a few times a week. Then about a month and a half ago he asked if he could call me. I said sure. I made sure Alex was ok with it first though, because I didn't want him to think anything about it. He said he didn't care. So D called me. Since then he has called me or I have called him at least once a week.

Well about a week ago we were chatting online and just talking..and it was taking him a few minutes to respond..all of the sudden he said he was just sitting there thinking. Me being the curious person that I am asked him what he was thinking about. He said, "You." Well that really got me curious, so I asked him what exactly he was thinking about me..and he said, "You sure you want me answering this?" I said yeah I do..I didn't expect the response I got. He said,"About how much I've really started to care about you lately...and the wonderful person that I think you are." My face lit up like a Christmas tree. I had the biggest smile on my face and started to giggle a bit. God I went straight back to being in junior high at that moment. I didn't know what to say.. I told him that I had a huge smile on my face.. a few moments passed and I was wondering why he hadn't said anything..so I said,"You in deep thought over there?" He responded with, "Something like that.." So I told him that he had to tell me what he was thinking about..so he said, "I'm just thinkin about you, princess...and how much I'd like to be there right now to see that sweet smile of yours." Now come on..You know I was smiling hardcore then. He is such a sweetheart and what girl wouldn't love to hear things like that. Just so you know..the reason I remember this convo so well..is because I saved it. I had to..it was just to sweet and he had sparked my interest.

I started telling him how that I should feel guilty about this and I didn't and it was weird for me.. So he mentioned that it might be because I had been thinking about this for awhile..So I just had to ask if he had just started thinking about me this way or if it had been for awhile.. He said, "Gradually...as I got to know you better and appreciate you more and more for the person that you are." See what I'm saying the guy is saying all these things that I have always wanted to hear..I had to ask him why he was just now telling me and then I told him he didn't have to answer that..but he just said.."Would it have made any difference?" I told him I didn't know and now I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. He just responded with, "Yeah..heh..and this is why I didn't tell you sooner." I told him that I wouldn't deny it..but that I did have feelings for him to..I am just not sure what I am supposed to do about them. He just told me that sometimes things just happen. And he's right about that..for whatever reason he saw my message that night and for whatever reason he decided to IM me and then it just went from there. He said there were a lot of things he would like to say but it was really late..(It was 3am my time and 2am his..so yeah it was late) I told him that was fine and that we would talk about all of this another time..he said he would've called me..to tell me some of these things but he didn't really feel comfortable knowing that Alex is there and maybe listening.. So I told him that he could always call my cell phone sometime and he was like..why didn't you tell me about that earlier..I was like I don't know and just gave him the number. The conversation pretty much ended after that..because we were both to tired to even keep our eyes open any longer.

Like I said that convo was a few days ago..but last night I was chatting with him and telling him that Alex and I had been talking and that I broke down and cried telling Alex that I wasn't happy with my life and I was tired of taking care of everyone else and that I wanted to be taken care of..well I guess D thought I needed someone to talk to..yeah right..you know he just wanted an excuse to call me! Anyway, he knew that Alex would probably think something was up if we were talking after I had been upset with him all day.. so I told him that I would tell Alex I was going to the store and that he should just call my cell phone.. So I got ready really quick, grabbed my purse, cell phone and headed to walmart..(It was midnight..there aren't many choices then.) So I drove there thinking ok hurry up and call..I got to walmart..still no call..I sat in my car for a few minutes still no call...So I figured maybe he couldn't call my cell phone from St. Louis..So I just started looking around the store..and what do ya know..my cell starts ringing and my heart starts beating a mile a minute..because this is the first time we have talked on the phone since he told me he liked me.. I asked him how his day had been he told me horrible and explained to me why and then told me he was all better now though because he was talking to me..(awww) Anyway..we talked the whole 15 minutes I was in Walmart..( I wanted out of there so that I could sit in my car and talk to him and I wouldn't have every person in there looking at me..) So I sat talking to him about 30 minutes in the parking lot..then I decided I better start heading home..so I started driving and we talked about various things and then I got to the house..turned the car off and continued to talk to him for the next two hours. We talked about a lot of stuff. He asked me when we could see eachother in person..I told him I just didn't know and it would be a little hard for me just to get up one day and go buy a plane ticket. I told him that in June or July Zachary was going to stay with his Dad for a month..so maybe then..

This isn't looking to good on my part.. I do have a boyfriend and all..but D and I aren't "doing" anything bad..and I don't feel guilty about talking to him. I want Alex to get his life together..and right now I don't think it will be possible..There has been a lot of things bothering me lately and I just don't know how to tell him that I would like some space. I'm scared he will be hurt and never talk to me again. I feel like right now I want to be able to do what I want to and not have to worry about anything but taking care of my son..

Well I am going to go..I have a few things to do..and then I will probably chat with D for a while..we love our late night chats..:)

~Rachel