In My Place

2003-06-24

painful memories..do they ever go away

I have been trying to get out of the house a little more often. It's not that I don't leave the house. I'm not one of those crazy ladies who has 20 cats and never leaves the house. I just don't "go out" like most people my age. I went out today with a friend who came in from Lexington. It was great we went shopping and then out to eat. It was great getting out of the house and feeling like I did something.

I have been thinking about starting another diary on diaryland. I want to use it to put all my old diaries from when I was younger in there. I would still keep this one of course, but I want a place to store all the old stories of my youth. I think it would be fun and everyday I could reminisce about all these things I went through in the past.

I have been feeling so strange lately. I'm tired all the time and feeling a little depressed and I have no idea why. I get like this sometimes and then I will snap out of it. I have nothing to be depressed about. I often find myself feeling bad about being depressed. It's so sad. I have also noticed that I can't hardly remember much. I can remember all kinds of stuff from when I was younger, but I can't remember what someone told me 5 minutes ago. It's ridiculous. A therapist would have so much fun trying to figure my mind out!!

I have talked to Scott a few times since he graduated from basic training. He is in Pensacola, Florida right now. He just got his orders and will be stationed in Norfolk, Virginia. So that is a great thing for Z! It's only about 8 hours away, I think. Definitly don't quote me on that. I am just happy that he will be able to come see Z pretty easily. He is also filling out all the paperwork so that Z will get medical coverage and child support. I think Z will wind up getting $280.00 a month. I am not sure if that is a good ammount of money or not. I mean I can make do taking care of Z with that, but I am not sure if that is the average money that a person gets for child support. My Mom thinks I should sue for back support for the five years that he hasn't taken care of Z, but I just want to move on.

I am trying to get on with my life. I don't want to hold on to all the anger and resentment I have against him. I don't want to be the hateful ex who ruins any relationship in his future. It will hurt me if he has kids with someone else, but what can I do about it. It's just being scared that as soon as he has another child then Z will be forgotten about. I don't want him to be second best to any other kid and I definitly don't want some other woman trying to control the amount of time my son spends with his Father. I know how this kind of stuff works, I had a Step-mother. She wouldn't let me see my Mom. She tried to act like she was my own Mother. That didn't last too long. I think I only lived with her and my Dad for 2 months. Then I had to get out of that crazy place. This woman had me doing all the stuff she should have been doing..washing dishes, clothes and cleaning the house. That lady (and I use that term loosely) thought I was her damn maid. Whoa that brings back some cinderella like moments. Ok Not really but oh well. I still can't stand to be around that witch.

Is it me or are most Step-Mother's truly evil? I have seen other people's step mom's and I don't think I am alone on this. These women come in and think they are in charge of everything and the men that let them do that make me sick. My Dad let this woman ruin any type of relationship my Dad and I had. We used to travel and go everywhere together. Then all of the sudden he decided she was more important. I have tried to move on from all of this, but it just seems to stick with me. I hate that. What do I have to do. I thought talking and writing about it would help, but that just pisses me off more. So I guess I will keep talking and writing until I can't bare to do it again.

~Rachel