In My Place

2003-06-21

Boxing and an emotional break down

MAN...who else watched the boxing match between Lewis and Klitchko...we all know who really won that fight.

Lewis was so out of shape, he wouldn't have made it 12 rounds. He was all huffin and puffin. What a joke.

I get so anxious during boxing matches. I was jumping out of my seat and yelling at the tv. I know it's sad, but come on..if it hadn't been for that cut over Vitali's eye..He would have knocked Lennox Lewis on his ASS.

Alright..sorry for those of you who don't like boxing, but that was a good fight. Vitali was all up in Lennox's shit! If you don't watch boxing you really should..get's your adrenaline rushing!!

Wooooo..all this adrenaline. I feel like jumping up and down!

I had a long talk last night with a friend online. It was so great to get all of this stuff off of my chest and talk to someone about it. We talked about my Mom and the situation I discussed in here a few entries back and about my Father. It was great to be able to talk about that stuff

be right back.. alright..my little one was sleep walking again.. I pretty much just had an emotional breakdown last night. I was typing in tears because my parents embarrass me. I'm not talking about the usual teenage embarrassment where they just feel their parents don't have a clue. I am talking about my parent's are fucked and they have truly fucked me up emotionally. I used to never cry or get upset about anything that they did to me, but I think it has all caught up to me now. Instead of having any sort of release for my anger, I held it all inside and it's just ready to burst now. I decided that writing in this journal alone hasn't helped me that much. There are things that I just don't want to share with the world..(that private folder function was the best idea in the world!). I decided it was about time to break those old journals out and start writing my poetry and short stories. In doing that maybe I will be able to move on. I hate saying that...I have never been one to want to say ok..I give up..I will just move on. There are so many things that I want to say to my Dad alone. I have never had the courage to do it. Why? He doesn't scare me or anything like that. It's like as soon as I try to have a conversation with him about the past..an instant fountain erupts from my eyes and I can't control it. Then the tears turn into anger that he abandoned me. Why? What did I do wrong? I am his only child. Did I ever mean anything to him? My Grandmother told me the most disturbing thing ever on Friday. Here we are driving along and we got on the subject of my Father. She says that my Dad prayed to God to do anything to get him out of this situation...that he never should have married my Mom. OK well then why the hell didn't he think about it before he said I DO?? Then he stayed with her and had a child. If he never loved my Mother than he should have never decided to have a child with her. It wasn't like he had to marry her because she got pregnant. They made the decision to have a child. Not that I am not glad I was born or anything. I just don't like the situation that I was brought into. This whole thing is the reason I am scared to get married. I mean I love Alex so much and I want to marry him. I am just afraid that it won't work out and I don't want that to happen with us. Alex thinks we should just live together because it works for us. I know my whole family doesn't like the fact that we're "living in sin". Not that I care what they think. Well I must go... Have a wonderful night and a beautiful Sunday for you all!! ~Rachel