In My Place

2003-06-11

feeling like shit...

I feel like shit right now..I think I am getting sick. My stomach hurts and I feel a little faint. I hate that feeling were you just feel like you are on the brink of passing out and you begin to sweat. It's so horrible.

I am once again mad at Scott, but hell when am I ever not? His name popped up on my buddy list and I thought for sure he was going to harrass me..but he never wrote..and I wanted to ask him something so I wrote him.. well He never once asked about Z in our little 10 minute convo. I actually wrote him and told him it was sad that he didn't care enough about his child to ask about him..Want to know his response? Absolutely nothing..he has yet to write me back. What a freaking jackass. I mean if I was even 10 miles away from Z I would want to know that he was doing ok. Hell I call my mom everyday when he goes and stays with her...even twice a day sometimes. I just don't understand how you can't care about someone who loves you so much and is your own flesh and blood. Z is always saying I want to talk to my dad..I want to see my dad.. and all I can say to him is you can't because he doesn't live around here anymore and I don't know how to even reach him..he obviously doesn't want to give me his phone number or address so that Z can talk with him or send him a picture he has drawn. It PISSES me off so much. I sware. I want to stand up and scream. I cried for hours the other night. I don't want Z being treated the way my Father treated me. I know what that pain feels like. I don't ever want him to feel unloved or be jealous that his Dad has time for other things but not him. I really want to hit Scott.. but hell what good is that going to do? Well it would make me feel a little better! Ok it would make me feel a lot better!!

Alex just tells me to leave him alone and not to talk to him.. "just tell him that he can't see z ever." But I don't know why I can't seem to do that. WHY? I still haven't figured out why I haven't said anything like that. Maybe it's that I hope he will change. Although I don't see that happening. Well I am going to go check on the little one..he tends to kick all the covers off of him or be falling off the bed while sleeping and I always have to go in there and put him in the bed the right way again..aww he's just so cute. I know I am biased because I am his Mom but he is cute..If you don't believe me.. check the pics of him out... pics of Z and me