In My Place

2003-06-08

Why do I want him to leave me alone

Well today was boring. I actually played The Sims today that is how bored I was.

I haven't been in a very good mood today..hell I have been in a bad mood all week. I don't know why. I don't have any reason to be mad. The bad thing is I always take it out on Alex. Why? He is the one person who is always there for me yet I seem to take my frustrations out on him. Before we got together all I wanted was for him to look at me, pay me some attention, grab my hand and tell me that he loved me. Now that we have been together for 2 and a half years it seems different. I get tired of him being all over me. He used to never be like this. Now it seems he can't let 5 minutes pass before he kisses me. He is constantly all over me and it drives me CRAZY! WHY? I am sitting here telling myself how stupid it is for me to be thinking like this. I love this man more than anyone I have ever been with. He is so wonderful to me. I guess it's true what they say..You always want what you can't have, then when you get it you don't appreciate it. I want to appreciate it dammit. I don't want him to think that I don't love him anymore. I don't really think that he thinks I feel like that..well I hope not. I just don't want to be putting that out as how I am feeling. I want him to see how much I love him. Word to self..try not to be such a bitch and complain about the man who loves you trying to be affectionate. If you don't stop..HE WILL!! Damn I really have to stick to that before Alex decides I'm not worth it anymore...

That would be fucking horrible. I can't imagine how I would feel if we broke up..God it already feels like we are married..it would be like going through a damn divorce if we ever broke up.

It's so silly..Have you ever played out a whole scenario in your head trying to figure out what would really happen in certain situations. I do this all the time. Does that make me different. Probably, but hell it would be boring if we were all alike. I can play out some of the dumbest scenarios though.. today however it wasn't that dumb. I started thinking about what if Alex and I broke up..then the scenario played out about trying to show him that I did love him and didn't want to be with anyone else..but it was too late..he had moved on and was already dating someone else...

Now it's a damn shame when my own daydreams don't go my fucking way! It's like my mind just veers off the path a little...then it completely jumps off the cliff into a totally horrible bad ending. That has to be some sort of sign of a mental problem...

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We are trying to plan a little camping trip for this coming week. That ought to be real interesting. A five year old who doesn't like to go without a tv, Alex who doesn't like sleeping anywhere else but at home, my best friend Alicia who is constantly taking showers and putting on makeup and Me who refuses to use any sort of public restroom let alone try and squat in the middle of the woods.. Oh there should be so many stories for me to tell after this one!! I am taking a hell of a lot of film.. there has to be some funny things going down on this trip!!

Have a Good weekend..well good rest of the weekend....ok hell have a good Sunday

~Rachel