In My Place

2003-06-01

It's so hard to trust a man...

God..I am about to give up being on a computer at all. I get so pissed at dumbass people online so much. It is just a sad situation when I let morons get to me. I had some idiotic creek dweller calling me a whore the other night. Do you want to know why she called me that. For simply disagreeing with her opinion. That makes me sick. Since when did voicing your opinion make you a whore? That confuses me. I hate that word anyway and I am the last person anyone should be calling a whore. I don't want to sound crazy for being upset about this but there is some nerve that it hits in me when someone calls me a name like that. I can't be the only one who gets like that. It's like road rage but instead I want to pick up my compter like it's this chicks head and choke the shit out of it..and I'm not even a violent person. I have been in one fight. I know I can be intimidating but hell my bark is worse than my bite. Sure I cuss like a sailor and can just chew your head off and spit it at you without even caring if you piss me off enough, but I am not one who immediatly throws up my fists. I mean unless you swing at me first I won't fight you. Damn it feels good to type all this out..I can feel myself getting less angry. Maybe having a diary is really better than therapy!

I have been worried all day that Scott would call here and just hoot and holler about me being such a bitch for not letting Z come to his bootcamp graduation. Thankfully though he never did..I am sure I will be worrying about it tomorrow too though! I have a question though..and if anyone happens to read this and knows the answer please let me know...here goes, After Scott graduates does he get to come home for like a few days a week, whatever, or does he have to go straight to his next station? I just wondered because I don't want him near Z. Which shouldn't be too big of a problem because I am taking him to Virginia on Monday..but just for knowledge and peace of mind..If anyone knows..I would appreciate the info!!

Back to me....

I have this big problem with always telling alex that I want to get married. I don't know why. Is it because most girls always think about getting married? Who knows. I do want to marry him. I want to spend my life with him. I am scared to get married though. I don't want to get divorced. It scares me. I went through it with my parent's and I just don't want to go through it again. I mean I know no one plans to ever get a divorce, but these are the types of things that go through my head. I am such a worrier sometimes. I worry about Alex leaving me at least 3 times a day. Sometimes I will say something to him about it, but most of the time I keep it to myself. I don't know why that is such a big fear for me. He has shown me so much more love that any other man in my life. He takes care of me..rubs my feet, cooks me dinner..helps me in raising my son. So why is it always in the back of my head that I am not good enough for him?

Hope everyone has had a wonderful weekend so far..Have a beautiful Sunday!

~R~