In My Place

2003-05-05

Where am I heading in this world?

Have you ever just felt tired and just blah about everything. That is how I am feeling right now..I have been up since 7am and have been chasing 2 kids around all day. I was just laying in bed feeling nothing. Not Happy, Not sad..just kind of blah. I don't know how you would explain blah?

I guess I am at a point in my life were I have realized I have to do something to change how it is right now. I have to get my degree finished and I have to start saving money for mine and my child's future. Yes Alex more than likely will be in my future, but I have to be prepared just in case he isn't. I am a smart gal why have I let myself get like this. I have so many goals in my life that I have yet to achieve, yet at this point I lack the desire to even try. I mean that is why I haven't gone back to college yet. However I have decided that it is time to get on the ball and do what I need to do. I am such a fucking procrastonator. It is so sad. I will have to stop being like that.

I think alot of the reason I feel like this is because of Scott. I had to put my life on hold when I had Z and I am fine with that he was worth it. Scott however has gotten and still does whatever the hell he wants without taking any responsibilities for our child. At this point I hope that after boot camp he never calls. He has been gone since march and hasn't written or even called Z. I know the moron hasn't forgotten my phone number. So I just don't feel as if my child is important enough to him.

I have yet to go fill out the papers to get child support or for Z to be on Scott's insurance. I am just not sure that I even want anything from him at this point. It is just a little too late in my opinion. I feel bad for Z.. I know what it is like growing up without a Father in your life and I always swore to myself that I would never let my child be treated like that. Yet here it is..my little boy's dad can't even pick up the phone to call him..has never given me any kind of child support and basically has left it up to me to raise Z. So I have decided to cut all ties with him and his family. I will no longer answer phone calls from his parents and I will no longer allow Z to spend time with them. Their names will never come out of my mouth in front of him...so that he may forget they ever existed.

At this point I know this sounds mean but I just don't care. I don't know what to do anymore. I have no clue what the next step in all of this is.

I have however decided that I am going back to school come hell or high water. I want that damn degree more than I ever wanted it before. I am in the middle of trying to complete all the papers necessary to get me back in...So we shall see. I am so scared that they won't take me back. That they don't feel I am worth another chance. That would tear me up. I want another chance dammit..I hope I get one.

Til Tomorrow...

~R~