In My Place

2003-02-06

Why won't he change his mind?

So I had no electricity last night. That was really interesting. Alex and I had to light every candle in the apartment. Thank God Z was already asleep, I didn't want him to be scared!

We went out to dinner and then walked around the mall tonight. Not really a lot to do when you live in the most boring place in the world!! I bought some clothes for Z because he grows out of everything I buy him within a month. I hate that...what am I supposed to do with all these clothes he can't fit in? I don't want to just give them all away I paid a lot for some of the outfits. I don't think there is a reason for me to save them since I don't plan on having anymore children. I want to but Alex doesn't.

I don't even understand why he doesn't want to have a kid with me. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to worry his whole life that something bad will happen to it. I keep trying to talk him into saying that there is a chance that someday he will change his mind and that we can have one kid together. I hate it when people see us all together and someone will look at Alex and say you have a cute son and Z will say he isn't my dad. I get upset about it. It's not either one of their faults though, it's my fault. I should have never dated scott, I should have just been on my own. Then I would have been done with college and be with Alex. The bad thing, or should I say horrible thing, I wouldn't have Z. I love that little booger, I can't imagine life without him. He drives me nuts sometimes but he is also hilarious! I am gonna say he gets that from me, because his dad is too much of a jackass to make anyone laugh!

Speaking of the jackass, Z is supposed to stay with him on Friday night. We will see whether it actually happens or not! He has a tendency to say he is coming then not call and never show up. For his sake he better show up, I told him this was the last time and if he ever did that kinda shit again that was it. Z would be off limits to him and if he wanted to see him again he would have to take me to court. Then they would see, because I do have proof, how he has never paid anything for or to help with Z and he never calls or comes over. How that last year he got a domestic abuse arrest during a fight with his roomate (she was the one who was doing all the abuse though) and how that he has hit me and emotionally abused me. So I don't think he will be taking me to court. I mean the guy threatened to kill Alex and I. Now what court would ever even give him any rights? oh well enough about that! I guess I am off..interpret as you wish! lol

~R~