In My Place
2003-02-03
what is wrong with my bf?
Alex went to the doctor today and they told him they didn't know what was wrong with him. Maybe I should explain what is going on since I haven't talked about this yet.Alex has been having some pain in his lower region,he is worried that it is something life threatening. I have tried to stay positive and tell him it's probably some kind of infection or something. I don't want it to be something bad. I am worried but I hide that from him because it will only make him worry more.
I don't understand how 2 doctors can't figure out what's going on. He is supposed to go back on friday to have some more tests. I hope that it is nothing bad. I can't imagine losing him. I don't want to think about that. He is my life, I love him more with each day...how could I ever go on without him? I just want the doctor to say it's only an infection nothing bad. They better tell us that! I can't take the stress of not knowing, I know it is hard on Alex not knowing. I can't imagine what he is feeling. He tells me he is worried and that he doesn't want to be without me, but I think there is more that he is feeling and not telling me. You know guys are never good at showing how they really feel about things.
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I actually went to my grandfather's grave today. It is the first time I have been in I think 6 or 7 months. It's just so hard to go there. I thought I would be ok, but then I touched his grave stone. I turned around I could feel it coming on. The tears just wouldn't stop and then Alex hugged me. He held me so close and told me he was sorry and that it wasn't fair and that life sucks. I said don't say that life doesn't suck, I just wanted him back. That is selfish of me though he is in a better place where he doesn't hurt anymore. However, there are so many things I wanted to do before he died. I wanted him to see me finish college. I wanted him to walk me down the aisle whenever I got married. He can never see these things and this weighs heavy on my heart. I don't have anyone to walk me down the aisle now and I don't have the person that wanted me to finish college there to push me to do it. I can only hope that he sees these things anyway....
~R~
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