In My Place

2003-01-19

I'm a horrible Mother

I want to cry...I want to have one of those cries where you don't think you will ever stop.

I have to do something about my life. I can't take it anymore. I am tired of feeling this way. Feeling that all I can do is wake up and clean my apartment and take care of my son. These are the things I do everyday and sometimes I don't even feel like doing those things.

I am a horrible mother. I shouldn't have ever been allowed to be a mom. I love my son so much and he is the sweetest thing. I just worry that I am not good enough for him. He needs someone that is better than me. He is constantly hugging me and telling me how much he loves me. I tell him I love him and I mean it, but I am not a very hug friendly type of person. My parents weren't there for me.. I don't remember my parents ever hugging me, only that my dad would spank me for the littlest of things that I would do wrong. My parents turned their back on me after they got divorced. I was raised by my grandparents. I don't know how to be a good parent. I am too afraid I will turn into what my parents were and I don't want that. Scott has already turned into my father. They always tell you that you will fall in love with someone like your dad. I started liking scott because I thought he wasn't like my dad. How wrong I was. He has abandoned zachary, just like my father did to me. This just proves I am not a good parent, I had a child with a guy exactly like my dad.

Maybe I can redeem myself a little for having the sense to have a good man in my life now, Alex loves zachary as if he was his real father. He plays with him and watches cartoons and movies with him and is always there to talk to him and give him hugs and tell him how much he loves him.

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I want to raise my son to be the best that he can be. I tell him that he can be or do anything he wants and I will still love him,but is that enough? Is there something else that I should tell him? He is 5 and getting ready to start kindergarten in the fall. I can barely remember when he was a baby, is that bad. I want to remember what it was like to here him cry and remember how he smiled at me when I was rocking him to sleep. I can't remember these things. I'm a horrible Mom. I have to change I have to be a better parent than my parents were to me. I will be a better parent than mine. I have too.