In My Place

2003-01-19

I am not good girlfriend material

I did not go out of the house once today. I am in serious need of finding some sort of job or entertainment. If I don't find one of those things soon, I fear that I will become a total hermit. I should have stayed in college and never quit. I had this feeling that I would never go back.

I want to go back now and noone believes me. I was just waiting for the time when I would want to be there. I didn't want to be lazy and just go because it was paid for. I wanted to work hard and study cause I wanted that damn degree. Well I want it now. I want it all to be done. I am starting to feel like a total retard because I have sat out way longer than I planned. I have now set goals. I am going back when zachary starts kindergarten in the fall! I may even take 1 or 2 summer classes to get a little caught up. I should have graduated 2 years ago and here I am just a few credits shy of being a junior. What was I thinking when I quit.

Oh yeah I remember, "I have to quit and take care of Alex and my son."

Why is it me who is always the one taking care of other people. I want someone to take care of me. Alex complains all the time about how upset he is that he had his car wreck and is unable to take care of me. Well Hell the wreck has been almost 2 years ago. When are you gonnna be healed? God that sounds horrible and mean to think. I shouldn't have said it. The sad thing is, I mean it. Alex has cried to me before because he feels so bad about it and here I am complaining. I am a horrible person. I just can't help it.

I ran into this guy I knew the other day and he said the funniest thing to me..guys are only good for you if the can do the 3 F's: Feed you, Finance you and Fuck you. The sad thing is he said it in front of Alex and without thinking I fucking agreed with the guy. Alex just looked at me and I immediatly felt bad. In my head I was thinking about it and I do all those things for him and I only get one of the 3 F's because Alex has no money to take care of me or feed me. What does money have to do with love though? I should be thankful for the love that I have for him.

I want to be thankful for him.

I am thankful for him.

Noone has ever loved me as much or the way that he does. He doesn't pressure me into having to look a certain way, He loves me for me. He tells me he loves me 100 times a day and is always hugging and kissing me. What is wrong with me I have a wonderful boyfriend who tells me he wants to marry me when he is able to support my son and I. Why do I have all these weird feelings of not being good enough for him?Why do I sometimes feel like I am pushing him away? He knows all of this too. I know he knows. He asks me all the time, "what's wrong,why are you acting like this,what did I do?" I just tell him nothing's wrong,because I don't know what the problem is. I don't understand why I wanted him for so long and now that I have him and we are finnally happy,I feel this way. Maybe he is right. Maybe I just have some sort of emotional problem and I just need to talk to someone about it. I think I just may have to go to the therapist when he goes. I want to marry him and live a long laugh filled with laughter and love. I can't even stand being away from him. When he goes to sleep at night and I am still awake, I feel lonely. He is right next to me and I feel lonely, that has to be a sign of emotional problems. Now I have just given my brain an excuse to stay awake tonight. Let's keep Rachel up all night and let her think about how terrible she is to the one man who loves her no matter what.

on that note I am off to a night of restlessness....