In My Place

2003-01-17

I must find the willpower!

Well It is snowy and cold here. We only got a few inches thank goodness! I just spent 20 minutes cleaning off my car so that I could go to the store to buy a cappuccino and cigarettes. I know it's sad that I can't go without them. I have lowered the number of them that I smoke to around 4-5 a day. That in and of itself is wonderful to me!

I have decided that I need to go back on my diet and get a membership to the YWCA. I was going to renew my membership to the YMCA, which is a nicer facility, but I can't stand the steroid junkies in the gym. I immediatly feel embarrassed when I walk in there. Here I am overweight with low self esteem and the rest of the folks look like they came out of the womb with abs of steel. I hate my body and I hate for anyone else to see it. Alex told me that going to the YWCA is like having your own gym because noone ever

goes there. So that excites me! I can definitely workout in those conditions. I just hope they have a jacuzzi and sauna and offer a child care center for zack to play in while I am there. I want to lose about 80 pounds. I have no will power whatsoever, so I don't know how long this will take me. I hope to have at least half of it gone by this summer. Alex tells me I am fine the way I am, which is a wonderful thing for him to say. I however must be happy with myself. All of the people I know are skinny little bitches, so I have noone to lean on for support. I tried weight watchers for about 2 weeks, but I didn't like the fact that I have to pay for something I should be able to do on my own. So far I have cut out salt,sugar,chips,eating out and red meat. I think I may have to cut out pasta and breads too though. Which I am sure I can do. This will leave me with veggies, chicken and salads. I am the type of person who loves veggies and salads so I hope that I can do this! When people wonder how I gained all this weight I'm not quite sure what to tell them. Well I am not too sure. I know I gained about 40 pounds when I got pregnant, but that was 5 years

ago and I don't think I can use that for an excuse for being fat anymore. I have read a few diaries here at diaryland that have given me some inspiration. If they can do it so can I! I just have to remain positive and not get all depressed if I don't see results fast. The sad thing is that the

2 diets I have tried, weight watchers and physicians weight loss center, I have done well with. I just don't stick to it. I lost 30 pounds with physicians weight loss and then when the list of things you could eat got harder, I gave up. Then to make me feel even worse I wound up gaining it all back. Therefore I have decided that I am not really gonna call what I am doing as a diet but as a life change. I also need to stop skipping meals and eat only healthy foods. Wish me luck!

~Rachel