In My Place

2003-03-13

I promise to write every day...I won't let this diary down...

What I missed yesterday all together...My mind has drawn a blank..How could I forget?

Well we all make mistakes. The funny thing is by having this diary online I think it has made it easier for me to keep this diary updated. All the diaries I have had growing up didn't have the same luck. I will say that they would start off strong and I would promise to write in them everyday. Truly though that would only last about a week in which it would dwindle down to not writing in it at all. Then a few months later I would buy a new diary promising it the same thing I had promised all the others, that I would fill it's pages with my life. Oh how I have let them all down. I must say though that I now have a wonderful collection of hardly used diaries on my shelves. At least they are pretty to look at! I just hope that I won't walk away from this diary as I have done with all the ones before it.

On another note. I think Alex is starting to get jealous of my computer. He should really just be jealous of Diaryland. I can't help it, I will start reading a diary and get so into that I don't want to stop. Don't tell me that has never happened to you on here. I love learning all about different people and their take on the world and all the interesting things that go on in their life. I keep telling Alex not to get so upset about me being on here alot.

I guess I shouldn't call it being upset or jealousy because I truly don't think it's that. It is him thinking that I don't show him enough attention. What? I am with him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week how can I give you any more attention. No he doesn't mean in a sexual way either. He wants me to spend you know, "quality time" with him. What exactly is quality time anyway? And how long exactly does this time have to be? I do have other stuff to do you know. I can't be all kissy and huggy all day long.

The thing is I was never a mushy type of person who constantly needed affection. So I don't know how to react now that Alex likes to cuddle and kiss all the time. I do love that don't get me wrong. I am just used to the "ok we are dating and we don't have to be all over eachother" kind of boyfriend. This is going to take some getting used to. It may take a few more months. Ok maybe years.

I have this thought constantly in my head that I am gonna screw this relationship up. I mean I look at him everyday and in my head it's..why is this guy with me, has he totally lost his mind? I am not that wonderful, I am moody and overweight. I am gonna do something stupid and he is out that door. I try not to say these things actually to him anymore since he hates it when I do. He does at least agree that I am somewhat moody. The overweight thing though doesn't bother him a bit. I don't get that. I used to think that all guys wanted was some skinny ol toothpick with big hooters and no brains and all the "chubby chic" was ever gonna get was some other reject that no "pretty" girl would take. He made me realize that not all guys are like that and to him I am beautiful. Now that is a boyfriend who is a keeper. *looks up while praying* Please don't let me screw this up!

~R~