In My Place
2003-01-15
Depression and a Fucking deadbeat dad...
ok here goes..I haven't really written in a few days..yeah I know bad girl..but I have just felt kinda down with no explanation as to why? It started a few days ago..I woke up and just felt all sad and anything would make me cry..Alex keeps asking me whats wrong and I keep telling him I don't know..so now he wants me to go see a therapist because he is worried..but I don't know if I want to..I'm kinda shy when it comes to telling others about my life (face to face that is..I do fine on here I think!) I mean I have a good life and nothing really to complain about...I mean I have a great bf, an awesome little boy Zack and nothing really to worry about..yet I worry about stupid crap and I feel lonely all the time. I don't get the lonely feeling I mean I am always with Alex! I think maybe it has to do with having an ass for a Father who was never there...I have written about him before...so I won't get all into it now...I guess I just get like this sometimes..I miss Zachary..he is still with my Mom is Virginia..I like having a little vacation from his loudness and mess, but then when he isn't here I miss hearing him laugh (he has the cutest little devilish laugh!) and hearing cartoons and I miss his hugs and all the I love yous he says to me! He's such a sweet little boy..he definatly didn't get that gene from his dad..
By the way...lets talk a little about Zack's dad...we got into this huge argument on the phone the other day..I wanted to jump through the phone and wrap the cord around his neck..that is how mad he made me...he's such an ass all I did was tell him he needed to call and come see Zachary more often, I thought that would be a good thing, apparently I was wrong.. he totally goes on this spiel about it being my fault that he doesn't get to talk to zack because I don't call his house..well why in the hell should I do that..It's not my job to call him, he should care enough about his son to call and come get him (the last time he saw zack was christmas day and only cause I took zack over there) and after the rant about calling he blamed me for not wanting to bring zachary to his house..well when I was growing up when my Mom wanted to see me..she came and got me and then brought me home later... he wants me to do one trip either take him there or pick him up. I said no..if you want to see Zachary then show him that by coming and getting him and then bringing him back.. why does he turn all this shit around on me..I mean he has never given me a damn penny to take care of his child...not that I want any of his fucking money..I just think it will show zachary that he cares enough to take care of him...but Scott sees it as well your family has money and I don't so I'm not giving you money that you don't need...now what ridiculous kind of thinking is this? I would like to know how a person thinks like this.. He makes me want to pull out my hair..I made him promise to me,when I had zachary, that he would always be there for him and not be like my dad.. but for some damn reason he has turned into my Dad...Why? I have cried so many times because I don't want Zachary to feel like I did when I was growing up..I can't even think about this anymore it puts me even more into my little pit of sorrow...
I hate being in the house when Alex is asleep and its quiet...it feels so lonely...so I am going to go to sleep and try to dream of something happy! Speaking of dreams I was thinking the other day..wouldn't it be great to live in a dreamlike state..where you could do anything or anyone (lol) you wanted, go anywhere or be anything you wanted and you wouldn't have to worry about money, food or feeling bad...it would just be wonderful..oh to wish... well I hope everyone likes this entry I have decided that maybe I should be a little more open with sharing about my life on here...
~Rachel
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